Whatz Zot You Say

Gretchen Tipster

Yes, friends, recordings with obscene and offensive lyrics. Many people think that nothing can be done about this plague on our nation's youth.

But tonight, here in the Tower Meeting Room, we have with us a very remarkable woman who has made a difference. She has gone from state to state reading today's offensive rock lyrics to concerned citizens in city halls and town meetings across America.

Thanks to her readings, fifteen states have enacted music labeling laws, and six more have laws pending.

And tonight, this champion of goodness, Gretchen Tipster, will be right here, reading to you some of those same rock lyrics. (applause)

Now, before she comes out, we have a special treat for you, a very interesting opening act. Three nice lads will be giving you some of their own evil rock lyrics. They call themselves "The Righteous Readers".

Led Zepplin = Evil

"Okay, we've got five minutes, we'd better run down the set list."

"Well, I think we should start with a reading from 'Stairway to Heaven'."

"Starting with Zepplin lyrics, that's so cliched."

"I know I know, but it's a good opener, ya' know, we read the lyric of 'Stairway' and BOOM we've got the audience! And once we've got them we can go on to some of the more obsure stuff."

"Yeah, and if we don't start with Zepplin, they'll be shouting for it the whole time we're on . . ."

"Zepplin, man! Led Zepplin . . ."

"Ahhh, guys?"


"Ahhh, I was wondering if we could throw in one of my orginals tonight?"

"One of your orginals???"

"Well, guys, in my spare time I've been working on my own satanic, offensive lyrics . . . they're really not bad. I think they'll fit in well with the rest of our set. I was hoping I could read one of them tonight . . ."

"Sheldon, I don't think you understand the concept of our act. The idea is for us to read offensive lyrics of previously created songs. We're trying to warn the public about what's already out there. We're not trying to add to the collected works of satanic music."

"I know, but I don't think one new song is going to kill us."

"Fine, let's hear it."

"'Break some heads and break them now, surrender to the liquid cow, feel the knife destroy the . . .'"

"Wait, wait, wait. Did you say 'liquid cow'? Can you tell me what is so satanic and offensive about 'liquid cow'?"

"Uh, I don't know, I just like the way it sounds."

"It sounds like you're trying to tell kids not to drink milk. It's not really raging maniac material. No kid is going to go out with a chainsaw because you say 'surrender to the liquid cow.'

"Ummm, maybe not, but what if we shouted it? SURRENDER TO THE LIQUID COW! SURRENDER TO THE LIQUID COW!"

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